Me time

Here I am finally and suddenly feeling my bachelor days are back. So much of me time available suddenly that I can't believe myself that I keep reminding myself consciously. Working and having some targets around it gives a sense of purpose and sense of accomplishment.. Work travels opens a new world of learnings and develops the perspective of appreciation and empathy for others across borders and cultures. Having a kid and maintaining a family gets monotonous when done as a dedicated activity..Working gives a change and refreshment to the mind as long as it does nt get over done. I appreciate the power of work or career much more after a kid .. it keeps me sane , gives me opportunity to refresh and helps me to be more productive giving quality time with family. For this to happen.. Karthi has been so supportive in my career alwYs and all credit for me continuing the job goes to him..I would have given up easily at times when things dint go well at work. At times I still do get bogged down thinking about grades, promotions, recognition.. but right now my only feeling is .. gratitude.. I am happy, sane and balanced at mind. All due to the work..It keeps me away from negativity. And the value of this is much more than any promotion or recognition.. if everyone counts the blessings everyday before sleeping or whenever they feel low about Petty things .. the feeling of gratitude fills our minds with peace and satisfaction which is equal to no amount of  recognition !

Kani

Mother's Day 2017 contd.

Marriage is really a big big thing in life !! This was a big realization after I got married :) I would define it in 4 stages : New Friendship with all the adrenalin rush slowly shifts into New Partnership with some agreements in place. Then it slowly transcends into some Family bonding and induction and expectation setting in place. Finally reality sets in with many surprises and readjustments in expectations landing into an optimal state where the real maturity or at least the need of it starts showing up in the relationship.. This journey is quite a roller coaster ride for both the man and woman. More so tough with the woman who tends to be more emotional generally. And yes in my case we had lot of differences which we slowly appreciated, accepted and still continue to be friends for life.. Again this entire journey, my mother evolved into a friend to a married woman..Sharing how she managed in her life. Her stories and examples always comforted me that I was not alone and her perspectives helped me to keep myself more open to learn new things from different people around me and hence evolve in relationship too..
The maturity in our mother daughter relationship evolved manifold once I delivered a baby. She is a person who is very enthusiastic about health and wellness which made her an ideal partner through out my pregnancy and birth of my baby. She also has decent expertise into yoga, Accu pressure and naturopathy. Her knowledge into these basics gave me great confidence and amazing support physically and mentally when I needed her  the most during my pregnancy.
AFTER BIRTH :
The birthing of Amudha completely changed the way I looked at my mom. I stopped taking her for granted. I stopped under estimating her presence. I suddenly realized how lucky I was to have her in my life with her rock solid support post my delivery. She took care of me and the baby with her utmost capability and love. She developed some serious pain in her legs and feet due to lack of time to take care of herself. She consciously took care with her naturopathy tips, Accu pressure handy kits so that she should not fail in taking care of us anywhere. At some times, I had tears in my eyes realizing how much our parents especially mothers stretch out themselves just to keep us safe and happy. When my mother had delivered me and my brother, she got support from her mom only for a month after delivery and very soon she had to be up and about on her feet to feed the family, take care of the house chores in a time when maids culture did not even exist. It was in a time when patriarchy was a norm. She had accepted her situation so much that she stretched too much for the family needs in those times. She also had her brothers and relatives to take care of when me and my brother were little toddlers. This was the state of so many mothers and wives of those times whom we easily take it for granted. Today we have much better or understanding life partners compared to our fathers in those times, we still find it difficult to manage. Not that we have become lazy or less capable, but just that we are in different times and we expect equally from our life partner. But somehow a mother s support in raising a child in early years is really crucial in the well being of the new mother post partum. I am not sure if I can be that capable like her when my daughter delivers her baby when she will need me. And I will rely on my husband heavily to build his capability equally for it.
My father has changed so much in his father's good journey, that I respect the motherhood in him a lot with the way he partners with my mother in taking care of Amudha. He has come a long way. He easily washed her pooped clothes, cleaned her bum, dress her up, manage her food, etc. It's not that men do not have capability , it s that they evolve out of love for their daughters. My father in law who has never in his life tried cooking and managing on his own with out my mother in law. But for letting his wife take care of grand daughter, he managed cooking to the basic levels and managing for few days without my mother in law. This is how babies change the men in our life. My husband had never believed he can manage Amudha on his own for a full day. But he did at Singapore when I was away at work for 3 whole long days all alone in a hotel in a new country entertaining her with tours and taking care of her needs from bath, dressing, food, sleep etc. He has never ever asked me to consider quitting my job or considered me to be a housewife and take care of the baby. He was supportive in my career and my parenting decisions for Amudha right from breastfeeding long, baby wearing , breastfeeding in public, baby led weaning and feeding on her own, gentle parenting. Although I complain a lot about him on his lacking of competitiveness in physically managing Amudha .. but he has come a long way for her. I am proud of the Motherhood he possess and his willingness to keep improving on his capability in parenting her. He is one person whom I have ever seen who admits so openly about his weakness and appreciates so genuinely about my efforts and performance as a family maker. He is very critical about everything and this helps in a very constructive way while taking any decisions. His mother has been an amazing mother in law to me. She has never expected from me differently from my husband and never treated me differently from him. She is from the typical patriarchal family and has struggled her way through in life to establish her identity through the success of her son in terms of his values and education. Although she comes from the traditional ages and had to stop her education due to the backward patriarchal mindset those days, she has adapted to the modern day standards constantly and changed her expectations accordingly. She always appreciated my efforts and always wished to support in every way possible. I am really proud to have his parents as parents in law. In fact I often argue with her to let me do more work and treat me with more responsibilities.  My Brother : he is my twin soul although he s not my twin brother. We have so much love for each other that we rarely express to each other. To see him as a father and his changes after my sister in law became pregnant were evidences to the motherhood within him.. my Sister in law Akila and sister Kavi are real fighters I have seen in my family who had put up a brave fight to nurture their babies in the best possible way and I feel happy to take some credit in being the 1% inspiration to them with my parenting decisions with Amudha.. I will write separate blog on my critical parenting choices and why I chose them. My maternal and paternal grandmothers are the other living role models in my life who are such a performers still contributing the best to the family even now at 75 years of age. They are my real life wonder women and I cannot be more lucky to have them in my times sharing the joy with their 4th generation.

Motherhood is the nurturing instinct which transforms a normal person into a strong determined fierceful personalities who rise to the situation to fulfil the needs of the children at every point in their life.

I would like to make a special mention to the other 2 super moms who help at my home - My baby's nanny Kala (name changed) and our cook Lata. Despite their family odds they are fighters in their life. Kala 's son was detected with blood cancer last year when he got admitted for his fractured bone. He was 15 year old and he managed to write his board exams with his fractured arm. She is one strong spirit I have ever seen in my life. She had already lost her adopted daughter who lost her life in a road accident while she was in her 1st year of Medical college. Despite her poor background, she was ambitious to afford medical course for her daughter and when she passed away, Kala s brother who was very much affectionate to the girl also got an attack at same time and lost his life. That was when her husband also got an attack and got admitted in hospital. Is nt it too heavy to even absorb this much sorrow in a life? It was beyond my imagination and I could not even digest this much of pain in her life. But what amazed me was that she remained strong for her family and she maintained the same fighting spirit which made her recover her son from the nasty disease. Motherhood it is .. which is the most powerful instinct that keeps our lives going. I could only help her with giving as much leave she needed to attend to her son so that she is not burdened with the financial stress in such a tough time. Thanks to my family to support me in caring for my kid when Kala was not there. We are all happy she got back her son from the deadly clutches of cancer.
My cook Lata's family is another different story who has raised two sons mostly by herself only by earning by cooking and domestic chores in 4 different homes. It needs massive physical and mental stamina to be determined to make ends meet and at the same time aspire to get a good education for her sons. Now her elder son got a job and helps her financially while younger son is still in his final year of under graduate. Waking up at 5 am in the morning and working till 12 .30 am round the clock everyday. This is motherhood spirit that runs her family and her life.

Salute to all these mothers around me in my family and many more among my friends who are my daily inspirations ..

I thank God for having them and grateful for all the blessings I have received till date.

Let us be little more sensitive, a little more empathetic , a little more compassionate and little more grateful and little more loving to all the mothers around us. At the least let us not disrespect them and hurt their feelings which will be totally unfair to their selflessness in our lives..

Please share your inspirations in the mothers around you.. will meet in my next blog..

Kani

Mother's Day 2017

Its been more than 5  years I started this blog and before i could realize i almost stopped writing as well..Or probably I stopped reflecting (in public space) and rather went more into my own personal space. These 5 years have been absolute gold in my life where I was more into the waters and less on the shores to be able to allocate my time for my blog. Any which ways i feel glad that I managed to get to the shores (atleast for this post :) ) and that too for my most favourite subject and person 'MOTHER'.

I did my entire education till my B. Tech in Tamilnadu and it was the first time I left home and hometown for my job after my UG. I left to a place called Yavatmal nearby Nagpur and absolutely knew nothing in Hindi nor Marathi. The struggle was real and that was when I started facing the heat of being thrown into a real world from a theoretical fantasy world which gave all the comforts possible. I thought my world changed altogether. I worked for a year in the textile company 'Raymond' which is quite a household name in every home fondly related to. This one year I realized how much happens behind a single denim jean we wear. I survived the initial days amidst the language barriers (sign language with operators who spoke in Marathi). I managed to learn Hindi to a practical extent and started winning a lot of friends at work place. I felt accomplished after a lot of hard work. When I say hard work..It is not just my hard work. It is the one that was taken by my mother too. She was there every night to feel my tears. She was there with all the time on earth to learn about my day, to hear about each and every criticism I met with and she was very much there on active mode helping me out to devise plans to face every next day with a stronger soul and mind. I sometimes feel very bad with some of my friends who do not have their mothers alive to see through all the highs and lows of their life.

Next time I was struggling very badly with a relationship during those early 20s and it was at a time when I was helpless and directionless she stepped in with all her mind and energy to protect me in the most logical possible way. Although I had thought I was more matured to handle life in my own way, she made me realize that I cannot stop needing her in life. I felt motherhood is more of an instinctive force that simply conspires with the universe to fulfill the needs at the right time in the right way. It s more of a natural JIT (Just in Time) mechanism. She was always a friend to whom I can confide anything on earth without the fear of bring judged or criticized. This 2 way channel always helped us manage the gap in understanding at times and the willingness to forgive each other for the little flaws of everyday, without which the life may not have looked beautiful.

Fast forward to my PG education in Mumbai after 1 year of Raymond job, I kept facing my own set of evolved problems every single day. Placements, crushes, CGPA, health issues at hostel, peer pressure, expectations, popularity, etc etc. She was constantly there as a friend, mentor, nurse, personal assistant and even as a mom to my friends also. She was always special in every circle of my life. Some of my friends even used to envy our friendly relationship and the warmth she shared with most of them effortlessly despite the generation gap. I cannot quote our moments in PSG Tech during my B, Tech when we often bump into each other at the class rooms where she would come to attend community coaching classes like tailoring, doll making, glass painting etc. I secretly felt very proud of her (although I dont show much to her) for her talent and thankful for PSG for giving such pleasurable moments for a mother and daughter to collide inside an ENgineering college as students, although it sounds hilarious :D

I joined my job in Cadbury after my PG and had my next few months of rigorous corporate life as Management trainee and deliver to the expectations despite all odds. I went through similar little challenges what anyone goes through and I am not saying I went through something extra ordinary like what we see in Story pick where extra ordinary humans perform all tasks independently without her arms and legs. But it was only my mother who could see it as big struggle trying to help me out in each of my lows and celebrate through my highs.
Her wishes and prayers always turn out to be stronger for me and I believe in her blessings and prayers more than mine. She is the same to my brother also. I always wonder how she s able to give so much focus to both of us individually without any compromise despite having a sink full of unwashed vessels and dirty laundry waiting every single day till today and still going stronger.
I was lucky to have been introduced to yoga and meditation right since my school days. I learnt about introspection, power of thinking, witnessed the power of mind, the need of positivity in our life and much more. Although my maturity was low, these concepts made a deep impact that help me always to see the bigger picture in life and helps me a lot more when it comes to forgiving. Thanks to my mom for this. Her passion inspired me to always keep in touch with this spirituality sphere of life then and there.

My marriage was a life changer. It was for the first time I suddenly felt distanced from her and suddenly priorities seemed to have changed.

.... to be continued

Tug of War between HABITS and WISDOM

(Contemplated thoughts during Silence..)

It was 4.30 am and I was already up on my bed. Yes, no one could be found asleep after this in that Temple. Temple? What temple? Stay in temple? I can hear these questions popping up in your minds with the very word. I shall explain you. It is not the temple one thinks with statues of all the gods & goddesses sculpted around with a main Idol of God to be worshipped kept separately & secretly far inside the campus and a Priest who chants mantras & showing fire aradhana and bells that ring into the devotees ears who would be waiting in long queues for a chance to say a hello, to the God, just like some super stars are treated in our towns. At this point, I request you to read on and not to react at any place. Just read through & record your reactions at the end. I am also sorry if I sound like an atheist. I am sure you Il get to know my strong Theism within me J Back to the temple I was referring, contradicting to the ideal description above, there is no God statue though there is God, there is no priest though there is a Guru, there is no bell but 1 to mark the end of every hour, there s no fire aradhana but the same happens deep within one s self. It was the Temple of Consciousness, spread over an area of 70 acres of land on the foot hills of western ghats, on the way to Valparai, a hill top town housing a bunch of families living on tea estates near Pollachi in Tamil Nad.

The moment one enters the temple, one could sense the richness of vast green pasture next to the Omkar structure, where few women keep removing the dried out grass one by one.. Just like the people who go there for removing the negativities & unwanted thoughts from the beautiful mind that houses thousands of thoughts..good or bad. When one enters the main temple hall, you ll find deafening silence that compels you to dissolve within the self. It’s a beautiful experience. Once in a while, falling silent is a great medicine to various illnesses, both physical & mental, felt for the nth time. Silence, what I refer here is not just “No Talking”.

It’s a silence that shuts down the activity of the Mind.

It’s a transition from a state of “No talking” to the state of “No Thinking”.. One would just witness the state of existence..

It’s a state which brings down the frequency of mind pulling away one from the realms of endless aspirations, worries, plans etc etc.

Its like a station for filling the petrol for the vehicle of Mind needed for the long journey on earth..

Its like the strong shore where the huge waves coming from the sea hit with force and surrenders itself with ease returning back with calmness..

Its like the destiny point reached by thousands of rivers originating from everywhere travelling restlessly far & wide with a purpose..

Its like the feeling when everything has been accomplished and there is nothing more pending to be done..

Its like the state where there is no more belonging, no more dependence, no more bonds that holds us back..

Its like the state when nothing else is needed.. No need, no worry, no thought.. State of immense satisfaction..

Here is the point where one realizes ecstacy ! What else is needed in one s life ? Here is the point of real Worship of Self – Worship of God! When one merges with the Self & when one s mind goes calm, just like the deep sea which is arrogantly calm, houses the deeply hidden pearls within, one’s horizons explode into the darkest hidden secrets of nature; a realization to the Origin of the self. Well, one could read n number of books on Self Realization, but until & unless one do not give time in Silence, the next evolution of Mind – the blooming of the Sixth Sense, which is the Ultimate purpose of the human birth on earth, will not happen.

If you analyse, most people react, some people think, few people contemplate.. Contemplating in Silence! Great Saints, Mahatmas were people who took time to contemplate, which is how they gave birth to secrets of the Truth, gave power to their thoughts & did justice through the actions.

Well, Let s ponder on the question

What are thoughts?..What are the thought generating tools in our body? Is it mind? Is it brain?

What is mind ? Is it in heart? Brain? .. Keep pondering.. eager to know ur thoughts..

Till then, lets contemplate..

Kani

(Inspired by Self, Parents, Gurus, all the situations & fellow humans I have met in my garden of life)

Confusions or Illusions ?!

Just like anything goes our childhood days;
No efforts, no vains;
No pains, no gains!
Knew no bounds & knew no bonds;
People were there, to fetch us through;
No reciprocation, no apprehensions;
No corrections, no regressions;
But still driving through the path was too easy & too quick !
Years went by & did the childhood memories pass by.

Here starts the hunt towards the meaning of life from the teens;
Here we are forced to do the same as ever before, but yielding seems to be a failure.
Is this a sign of acceleration or deceleration?
Our minds throng in search of quest or quench the thirst?
What is life ? Who am I?
What to love? What to lose?
Why to live ? Why to die?
Why do I feel excited for something and sad for something else?
At times, I do brighten up like a lamp,
Out of a sudden clarity in mind, that bursts like a bubble in no time!
A number of relations that makes the life around;
Of course do this age has hardly any transparency,
With every stage slowly gaining its malignancy.
With time, we slowly feel the new dimension of friendship,
Alongside confusing is the old meaning of sex.
New spirits, New feelings..
Unlimited mysteries & endless thoughts;
Plenty of plans but numerous failures;
Astonishing are the moments when shot by the questions:
Am I correct or wrong?
Am I good or bad?
Shall I do it or not ?
Will I win or lose?
Adding more are changing meanings to old relationships;
Parents look like aliens-
Demons look like angels-
Even Worse is the interference by the quest of knowledge;
Where to seek for knowledge with wisdom at stake?

Yes, all these tanges do dorge away dear youngsters !
Ignore not, all these apparently hindering clusters;
Do stand by all the challenges & tear away these illusions;
Experience de inexperienced & delude not by the confusions,
Tread your path throwing away all fears,
For Life is queer with its twists & turns.
As everyone of us sometimes learns !
Do expiscate & explicate the mental knot,
And enjoy the victory of the battle having fought.
I have stopped here with the teen age;
And leave with you to see the reality of subsequent ages..
Relinquish the alias of life & realize the Omnipotence;
For, the culmination of the Ultimate Essence !

With this small thought, Here goes my first blog on the trysts with my Destiny..! ;)