Marriage is really a big big thing in life !! This was a big realization after I got married :) I would define it in 4 stages : New Friendship with all the adrenalin rush slowly shifts into New Partnership with some agreements in place. Then it slowly transcends into some Family bonding and induction and expectation setting in place. Finally reality sets in with many surprises and readjustments in expectations landing into an optimal state where the real maturity or at least the need of it starts showing up in the relationship.. This journey is quite a roller coaster ride for both the man and woman. More so tough with the woman who tends to be more emotional generally. And yes in my case we had lot of differences which we slowly appreciated, accepted and still continue to be friends for life.. Again this entire journey, my mother evolved into a friend to a married woman..Sharing how she managed in her life. Her stories and examples always comforted me that I was not alone and her perspectives helped me to keep myself more open to learn new things from different people around me and hence evolve in relationship too..
The maturity in our mother daughter relationship evolved manifold once I delivered a baby. She is a person who is very enthusiastic about health and wellness which made her an ideal partner through out my pregnancy and birth of my baby. She also has decent expertise into yoga, Accu pressure and naturopathy. Her knowledge into these basics gave me great confidence and amazing support physically and mentally when I needed her the most during my pregnancy.
AFTER BIRTH :
The birthing of Amudha completely changed the way I looked at my mom. I stopped taking her for granted. I stopped under estimating her presence. I suddenly realized how lucky I was to have her in my life with her rock solid support post my delivery. She took care of me and the baby with her utmost capability and love. She developed some serious pain in her legs and feet due to lack of time to take care of herself. She consciously took care with her naturopathy tips, Accu pressure handy kits so that she should not fail in taking care of us anywhere. At some times, I had tears in my eyes realizing how much our parents especially mothers stretch out themselves just to keep us safe and happy. When my mother had delivered me and my brother, she got support from her mom only for a month after delivery and very soon she had to be up and about on her feet to feed the family, take care of the house chores in a time when maids culture did not even exist. It was in a time when patriarchy was a norm. She had accepted her situation so much that she stretched too much for the family needs in those times. She also had her brothers and relatives to take care of when me and my brother were little toddlers. This was the state of so many mothers and wives of those times whom we easily take it for granted. Today we have much better or understanding life partners compared to our fathers in those times, we still find it difficult to manage. Not that we have become lazy or less capable, but just that we are in different times and we expect equally from our life partner. But somehow a mother s support in raising a child in early years is really crucial in the well being of the new mother post partum. I am not sure if I can be that capable like her when my daughter delivers her baby when she will need me. And I will rely on my husband heavily to build his capability equally for it.
My father has changed so much in his father's good journey, that I respect the motherhood in him a lot with the way he partners with my mother in taking care of Amudha. He has come a long way. He easily washed her pooped clothes, cleaned her bum, dress her up, manage her food, etc. It's not that men do not have capability , it s that they evolve out of love for their daughters. My father in law who has never in his life tried cooking and managing on his own with out my mother in law. But for letting his wife take care of grand daughter, he managed cooking to the basic levels and managing for few days without my mother in law. This is how babies change the men in our life. My husband had never believed he can manage Amudha on his own for a full day. But he did at Singapore when I was away at work for 3 whole long days all alone in a hotel in a new country entertaining her with tours and taking care of her needs from bath, dressing, food, sleep etc. He has never ever asked me to consider quitting my job or considered me to be a housewife and take care of the baby. He was supportive in my career and my parenting decisions for Amudha right from breastfeeding long, baby wearing , breastfeeding in public, baby led weaning and feeding on her own, gentle parenting. Although I complain a lot about him on his lacking of competitiveness in physically managing Amudha .. but he has come a long way for her. I am proud of the Motherhood he possess and his willingness to keep improving on his capability in parenting her. He is one person whom I have ever seen who admits so openly about his weakness and appreciates so genuinely about my efforts and performance as a family maker. He is very critical about everything and this helps in a very constructive way while taking any decisions. His mother has been an amazing mother in law to me. She has never expected from me differently from my husband and never treated me differently from him. She is from the typical patriarchal family and has struggled her way through in life to establish her identity through the success of her son in terms of his values and education. Although she comes from the traditional ages and had to stop her education due to the backward patriarchal mindset those days, she has adapted to the modern day standards constantly and changed her expectations accordingly. She always appreciated my efforts and always wished to support in every way possible. I am really proud to have his parents as parents in law. In fact I often argue with her to let me do more work and treat me with more responsibilities. My Brother : he is my twin soul although he s not my twin brother. We have so much love for each other that we rarely express to each other. To see him as a father and his changes after my sister in law became pregnant were evidences to the motherhood within him.. my Sister in law Akila and sister Kavi are real fighters I have seen in my family who had put up a brave fight to nurture their babies in the best possible way and I feel happy to take some credit in being the 1% inspiration to them with my parenting decisions with Amudha.. I will write separate blog on my critical parenting choices and why I chose them. My maternal and paternal grandmothers are the other living role models in my life who are such a performers still contributing the best to the family even now at 75 years of age. They are my real life wonder women and I cannot be more lucky to have them in my times sharing the joy with their 4th generation.
Motherhood is the nurturing instinct which transforms a normal person into a strong determined fierceful personalities who rise to the situation to fulfil the needs of the children at every point in their life.
I would like to make a special mention to the other 2 super moms who help at my home - My baby's nanny Kala (name changed) and our cook Lata. Despite their family odds they are fighters in their life. Kala 's son was detected with blood cancer last year when he got admitted for his fractured bone. He was 15 year old and he managed to write his board exams with his fractured arm. She is one strong spirit I have ever seen in my life. She had already lost her adopted daughter who lost her life in a road accident while she was in her 1st year of Medical college. Despite her poor background, she was ambitious to afford medical course for her daughter and when she passed away, Kala s brother who was very much affectionate to the girl also got an attack at same time and lost his life. That was when her husband also got an attack and got admitted in hospital. Is nt it too heavy to even absorb this much sorrow in a life? It was beyond my imagination and I could not even digest this much of pain in her life. But what amazed me was that she remained strong for her family and she maintained the same fighting spirit which made her recover her son from the nasty disease. Motherhood it is .. which is the most powerful instinct that keeps our lives going. I could only help her with giving as much leave she needed to attend to her son so that she is not burdened with the financial stress in such a tough time. Thanks to my family to support me in caring for my kid when Kala was not there. We are all happy she got back her son from the deadly clutches of cancer.
My cook Lata's family is another different story who has raised two sons mostly by herself only by earning by cooking and domestic chores in 4 different homes. It needs massive physical and mental stamina to be determined to make ends meet and at the same time aspire to get a good education for her sons. Now her elder son got a job and helps her financially while younger son is still in his final year of under graduate. Waking up at 5 am in the morning and working till 12 .30 am round the clock everyday. This is motherhood spirit that runs her family and her life.
Salute to all these mothers around me in my family and many more among my friends who are my daily inspirations ..
I thank God for having them and grateful for all the blessings I have received till date.
Let us be little more sensitive, a little more empathetic , a little more compassionate and little more grateful and little more loving to all the mothers around us. At the least let us not disrespect them and hurt their feelings which will be totally unfair to their selflessness in our lives..
Please share your inspirations in the mothers around you.. will meet in my next blog..
Kani
